i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
