you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
