u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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