Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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