I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
