I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
