I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
