just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Randomize
