I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Randomize
