I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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