sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
not ubering you a puppy
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
