I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize
