dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
