there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
