I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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