Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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