Will you blow on my dice?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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