Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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