I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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