Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
