Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
The ass gains better be worth it
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