Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
