Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
