even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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