Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
