I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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