I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
