I'm so fucking centered right now
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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