Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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