No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You have to summon your inner elephant
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I deserve this hangover.
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