So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
