I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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