you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
