I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
