sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
