I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
