The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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