forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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