My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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