she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
