So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
