I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
