I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
