please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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