Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
