Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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