Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
