Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
