I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
