my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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