I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
