Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
