dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
